Emotional Manipulation: the red flags

Emotional Manipulation (EM) within a romantic, friendly, family or professional relationship can be exercised:

• Occasionally and in a “physiological” way: that is, without any desire to overwhelm, annihilate and/or control the other person

• Frequently: that is, being used as the prevailing form of communication and management of the relationship and power within the relationship

• Constantly: when it represents a dysfunctional, pervasive and absolute way of managing the relationship.

In the first case, we need not worry, as it is an occasional and limited phenomenon; in the other two cases, we need to pay increasing attention to the signs that indicate the presence of a manipulative relationship, which over time can be responsible for psychological and physical distress of increasing severity.

In his analysis of the phenomenon, Robin Stern identifies three levels of severity of EM, each characterised by specific manipulator-victim relationship patterns and peculiar behaviours of increasing intensity and dysfunctionality.

The person involved in a manipulative relationship experiences increasing discomfort, which manifests itself through the appearance of a progressive series of specific symptoms, indicative of the level of distress reached.

Let us now examine the indicators that can be used to obtain an indicative picture of the presence of ME, and the level of intensity and danger it has reached.

STAGE 1 WARNING SIGNS: What are you talking about?!?

In stage 1, Emotional Manipulation manifests itself in minor episodes: small misunderstandings, minor arguments or minor annoyances that leave a sense of confusion, a bitter aftertaste and the feeling that something has gone wrong, even if the argument appears to have been resolved.

• Occasional feeling of bewilderment

• You control yourself a lot in the presence of your partner, fearing a negative reaction

• Occasional disturbing dreams

• You are increasingly afraid of being misunderstood by your partner, who regularly seems to misunderstand you

• Occasional mild anxiety symptoms (stomach or intestinal disorders, feeling of oppression, frequent throat problems)

• Vague feeling of fear/unease when you disagree with your PM

• You talk to your friends about arguments with your PM, in an attempt to get external confirmation that you have understood how things went and that you have not misunderstood

STAGE 2: ...Perhaps you are correct!

In stage 2, the victim of manipulation desires the manipulator's approval so much that they are willing to question their own beliefs and perception of reality in order not to disappoint them. The victim now adopts the manipulator's point of view uncritically, giving up defending their own reasons in order to avoid facing the manipulator's disapproval and reactions.

• You feel weaker and more fragile.

• You are often tired.

• You engage less often or with less pleasure in things that used to interest you.

• You find yourself having to defend them more and more often in front of friends and family.

• You cannot remember the details of your discussions.

• You blame yourself more and more often and more intensely for making your partner angry

• You often ruminate on what you might have done wrong to cause their disappointment or anger

• You tend to justify their unpleasant reactions more and more often

STAGE 3: It's all my fault!

In stage 3

, the victim no longer even hopes to gain the PM's approval permanently, and is so focused on the PM and her point of view that they are no longer able to enjoy life and daily activities. They no longer even question the PM's statements and version of events, and not only do they accept them passively, but they also feel guilty and inadequate. Their main concern becomes satisfying the PM's needs and expectations while avoiding arguments or discussions.

• Growing feelings of apathy and detachment

• Physical fatigue

• Loss of interest in daily activities and sex

• Avoiding talking about yourself and your relationship with friends and family

• Avoiding talking about your relationship with friends and family

• You find yourself crying often for no apparent reason

• You experience a growing sense of loss and anxiety

• Panic attacks appear

• Stress-related symptoms (anxiety, tachycardia, gastrointestinal disorders, tremors, muscle tension, migraines, asthma attacks, sleep disorders)

• You often get sick or develop psychosomatic illnesses (eczema, dermatitis, digestive problems, allergies, etc.).

• You feel a growing sense of fear and anxiety when you have to meet with your partner

• You blame yourself for their behaviour and justify them completely, taking full responsibility for their outbursts of anger, mistreatment or indifference towards you