When, despite potential pleasure, one shuns emotional and sexual relationships, there might be an underlying fear to be resolved.
The fear of intimacy, also sometimes referred to as intimacy avoidance or avoidance anxiety, is characterized as the fear of sharing a close emotional or physical relationship. People who experience it don't ‘want’ to avoid closeness - they may actually long for it - but engage in behaviors, either consciously or unconsciously, that lead to distance and sometimes to the end of the relationship. This might involve pushing the other person away or finding reasons to get out of the relationship.
A fear of intimacy is often unconscious and affects a person's ability to form or maintain close relationships
Truth is, opening up to another always implies a risk: revealing parts of oneself exposes us and makes us vulnerable. What more than a relationship confronts us with the need to expose ourselves -metaphorically and literally- to show ourselves in front of another person? Here, if inwardly we have unresolved issues, fears and fears of intimacy (physical and/or emotional), might arise.
Avoiding intimacy keeps us away from emotions and protects a deep, wounded part of us; it warns us against emotional involvement so as not to experience future (possible) pain.
This uncontrollable fear might also have implications in physical relationships, so much so that one sometimes speaks of sexual anxiety or sexual anorexia - a condition where the idea of encounter and/or contact with the Other triggers feelings of panic, anger, and disorders of the sexual sphere - such as ( but not limited to) anorgasmia, vaginismus and ED.
What is intimacy?
The word intimacy derives from the Latin word 'intimus' meaning internal, secret and describes the deepest personal feelings and emotions.
Intimate is that which by its nature is hidden and belongs deeply to something or someone.
When we create relationships in which we reveal our innermost to each other, we experience intimacy.
A working definition of intimacy might be:
the experience of being wholly oneself while sharing the same life-space with another, who is being him/herself too too (Malone & Malone, 1987),
The fear of intimacy
The fear of intimacy competes with the need to love and be loved. If these two forces have the same intensity we will have anaesthesia of feelings.
There are many people who feel safe away from relationships. Consequently, there are many people who, even when they desire a relationship, attract unavailable others ( i.e. people who are physically, emotionally distant and/or already committed).
Intimacy in a relationship depends on how we perceive our identity: are we firm and autonomous, or fragile and ill-defined?
The only factor that allows us to enter into a relationship without losing ourselves, without having the impression of dissolving into the other, is to be the centre of our own identity.
And when we have not reached affective maturity, when we do not love ourselves enough, when we are afraid of intimacy, we attract people into our lives who respond to our own fears and shortcomings.
Intimacy is a risk
The experience of intimacy often causes a sense of loss of control, and those who are afraid of intimacy want to avoid this experience of emotional involvement for fear of feeling vulnerable.
Love "demands" acceptance of self and partner, trust, responsibility, honesty, spontaneity, and vulnerability. Intimacy brings warmth, pleasure and joy, but it also requires being ready to accept rejection and to be hurt.
Entering into intimacy with a significant other means being able to let go and show ourselves for what we are, losing control, which gives us certainties but does not allow us to experience the relationship in depth.
Entering into intimacy implies the possibility of being able to live a deep and authentic relationship with the other, with the possibility of discovering oneself and showing the most fragile parts of one's ego.
Behaviours linked to the fear of intimacy
Fear of intimacy is characterised by:
Fear of being hurt, of not being understood and of not being heard by the other person. Showing oneself to be vulnerable to the core can cause great anxiety and fear of being hurt;
the fear of being abandoned or rejected can be a wound that tears at the heart of an already wounded person who will think that it is not worth opening up to others in the future;
the fear of discovering oneself to be different, thinking that one will not be accepted by the other if one shows oneself for what one is or, for example, being frightened by the idea that discovering oneself to be different and distant may entail the impossibility of being together;
the fear of being able to distance oneself from the other, which in turn creates distance.
Relationships become a risk and may develop avoidant attitudes, which distance one from others or do not allow one to go into depth. In this way, relationships become unsatisfying and, consequently, will confirm the belief that it is better not to let go in relationships or that one cannot trust the other. The fear of suffering cancels out the desire to love and be loved.
Unconscious attempts to avoid intimacy are often linked to one or more patterns of behaviours, such as
Chronic tendency to want to be right instead of understanding another point of view.
Wanting to control emotions and the other instead of letting go.
Neutralising the partner: one is with him but keeps him at a distance so as not to be pushed away by him. Pointing out his faults, mocking or deliberately hurting him.
Experiencing feelings of anger or discouragement when others express their thoughts and opinions.
Retching when others talk about one's feelings.
Having many relationships but intimacy with none. So many acquaintances but no friends.
Intentionally refusing to share personal information with the other.
Escape (physical and/or emotional) from situations involving risk, vulnerability, dedication and care.
Living stuck in a sterile/emotionally anaesthetised relationship, unable to enliven it but also unable to leave.
Addiction to work, to toxic substances, to sex, to social or religious commitments.
A fear that has its origins in our past
Even as children, we can develop a fear of entering into a deep relationship with another, as we can experience rejection in a relationship. As a result of rejection and the emotional pain it entails, we may decide to close in on ourselves. We learn, from an early age, not to trust others as a strategy to avoid pain.
If we felt misunderstood and invisible as children, we may have profound difficulties in believing that someone could be there for us and could really love and value us for who we are. After being hurt in our first relationships, we may be afraid of being hurt again.
Everything we have learnt during our formative years will become part of ourselves: we will think that we are that way and that we do not deserve anything else.
If someone else proves otherwise and offers love and trust, inner conflict might arise. We will feel mistrust, fear and fear that we might be fooled.
How can I overcome the fear of intimacy?
Overcoming fear of intimacy allows people to be able to build an authentic bond and feel more fulfilled in their relational life. In order to overcome the fear of intimacy, it will be necessary to try to:
learning to accept the other and to accept oneself for one's uniqueness, considering one's own resources and weaknesses, loving and respecting oneself for who one is;
being oneself and trying to share, showing that one trusts the other and having the possibility that this trust will be reciprocated;
learning to share discomfort and fear with one's partner, so that he or she can help us push away negative feelings;
seeing the relationship as an opportunity for growth and not as a danger;
opening oneself gradually, step by step with people one trusts, so that it can become a habit.
This means:
1 - Developing a powerful and loving adult part.
To move beyond the fear of intimacy, it is necessary to develop a powerful and loving adult part that is emotionally capable of not experiencing rejection as something personal and that is adept at establishing appropriate boundaries in the face of controlling behaviour.
When one learns emotionally and intellectually to take responsibility for defining one's own worth instead of needing love and approval from others to feel worthwhile, one will no longer take rejection as something personal. This does not mean that rejection will become something pleasant, but it will no longer be a source of fear and one will no longer have the pressing need to try to avoid it.
Furthermore, when we learn to assert ourselves and prevent others from invading, repressing and controlling us, we will no longer be afraid of losing ourselves in a relationship.
When out of fear one remains outside of intimacy, the most frequent mistake one makes is to shift the responsibility onto one's partner (he/she is unavailable, I freeze because he/she...). As a result of this projection, the one who is afraid justifies himself and avoids taking responsibility for a change. But by giving the other the power to block or inhibit us, we diminish our personal value.
2- Fear of intimacy is overcome by intimacy itself.
Through relationships with significant others, we can learn the skills and resources necessary to go through our difficulties, accept them and integrate them.
It is essential to increase awareness and self-observation in order to recognise the probable tendency to hide behind emotional walls. Whether it is a silent withdrawal or being overly expansive and talkative, hiding is still hiding.
The first step towards awareness involves acquiring the ability to see oneself objectively. It is then important to notice when you are hiding and consciously decide whether you want to continue.
When you are trying to overcome your fear of intimacy, you need to decide on a time when you feel ready to open up, without having to reveal everything about yourself right away.
Subsequently, by sharing even one thought at a time and taking small steps with people you trust, it will become increasingly possible to open yourself up to others. Gradually it will become a habit and an established way of relating.
3- Overcome the fear of intimacy with communication as an act of love.
Communication as an act of love occurs when we realise that the most precious gift we can give to the other is to give ourselves. And the most precious gift the other can give us is to offer oneself.
If we are willing to take the risk of this gift exchange then we can truly communicate and open ourselves intimately to the other, showing ourselves and our vulnerability.
Communication as an act of love means letting ourselves be known for who we are, talking about our experiences and what it really means to be in our place (putting on our shoes), respecting in the most sincere way the mystery that is us and the mystery that is the other.
In trying to share ourselves with the other we may be tempted to cover the most vulnerable areas, closing the rooms that contain secret weaknesses. But in doing so we do not really share ourselves. Instead, by putting ourselves totally at stake we may seize the opportunity to overcome a limitation and land in the land of trust.
When this kind of sharing encounters the other's judgement it is totally inhibited.
Judgement can seriously undermine communication. Those who carry a list of prejudices are unable to truly listen or see the other. Trust is lost and without it, there can be no intimacy.