"Rejection upsets us, approval confuses us." Nicolás Gómez Dávila
The fear of rejection
In the course of life, each of us has experienced rejection. One of the first things we learn is that others do not always choose us as friends, partners or collaborators.
In psychological terms, fear of rejection or sensitivity to rejection is a person's disposition. It can be likened to a personality trait, manifested by an anxious and persistent expectation of being rejected. It involves a hypersensitivity to perceiving rejection as it occurs and with intense emotional reactions following the event (Downey & Feldman, 1996).
In other words, high rejection sensitivity is characterised by an intense preoccupation with situations, real or perceived, in which one is exposed to rejection or criticism. This involves hyper-vigilance to social cues and extreme attunement to the emotional states of others.
Hyper-sensitivity to social signals
In social contexts, such as groups or conversations, those who fear rejection experience a state of alarm. This makes them hyper-sensitive to any hint of disapproval (Meehan et al., 2018).
This functioning is similar to that of a sonar that can detect dangers through sound waves. If the instrument is insensitive, the person will not be aware of the disapproval of others, but if, on the contrary, it is very sensitive, it may result in false positives. In other words, the person will read as rejection signals, comments or remarks that are not meant to be critical.
The consequence of this hyper-sensitivity is the generation of a vicious circle that worsens the interaction. In fact, the strong expectation of being rejected pushes the person to remain distant and silent. This generates in the other a mirror reaction of distance. At that point, the person who fears rejection will read the other's distance as proof of being unappreciated, increasing the degree of withdrawal from the relationship.
Unfortunately, what appears to be a good strategy (coldness of the other-personal coldness) can give rise to misunderstandings. In fact, the concern for judgement may lead the person to interpret as coldness even states of suffering of the interlocutor. He/she is thus rude, if not unfriendly, and insensitive to the other's emotional state.
The core of the fear of rejection
The core of the problem seems to be the difficulty in generating alternative explanations for the other's emotional state. In those who fear rejection, the other's suffering is caused by their own inadequacy and is therefore interpreted as rejection.
This vicious circle is evident in many, if not all, relationships of those with a high sensitivity to rejection. An example of this dynamic is a study conducted on couples by Downey and co-workers (1998).
Following a conflict with their partner, women with high rejection sensitivity perceived their partner to be less welcoming and more withdrawn in the following days. This did not happen to those with low rejection sensitivity. At that point, these women were more likely to withdraw in turn and keep their partner at a distance by feeling anger, resentment and prolonging the duration of the quarrel.
Evolutionary drive to fear rejection
As mentioned, the fear of rejection is a common experience in humans, to the point that many authors consider it a psychological adaptation to prevent exclusion from the group.
According to Baumeister and Leary (1995), the need to belong has played, and plays, a fundamental role in the survival of the species. It stems from the need of human beings to form groups that facilitate survival. Groups, in fact, can share food and resources, provide mutual assistance in raising children and increase the ability to defend against threats.
It is not surprising, then, that the fear of being judged negatively is one of the fears most experienced by human beings. In a hostile environment, such as the forests in which our ancestors lived, negative judgement could mean exclusion from the group and expose the person to danger.
From this perspective, sensitivity to rejection has the precise purpose of ensuring good relations with other members of the community. Indeed, hyper-vigilance to social signals would allow early detection of clues predicting rejection and the implementation of appropriate survival strategies (Romero-Canyas et al., 2010). For instance, by activating reparative responses (submission) or active avoidance responses to the situation (attack-avoidance behaviour).
Fear of rejection and psychopathology
On a psychopathological level, fear of rejection cuts across many disorders, but seems to have particular relevance in certain personality disorders.
Borderline personality
Borderline personality disorder (DBP) is characterised by pervasive emotional instability, impulsivity in actions and difficulty maintaining stable social relationships (Poggi et al., 2019).
These people react in an impulsive and emotionally intense manner to situations in which they anticipate or experience rejection. De Panfilis et al. (2016), pointed out that sufferers of this disorder tend to feel more excluded from groups. They perceive less belonging even in the face of explicit expressions of appreciation and inclusion.
Narcissistic personality
A second disorder in which sensitivity to rejection is central is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (DNP). Although, commonly, this association is not apparent, many studies (e.g. De Panfilis et al., 2015) show that the experience of social rejection is absolutely painful for these individuals, to the point of triggering violent and angry responses.
Avoidant personality
A third personality disorder at the heart of which is the fear of rejection is Avoidant Personality Disorder (APD). This disorder is characterised by a deep sense of inadequacy combined with a fear of being criticised and rejected. These people have a tendency to chronically see themselves as inferior to others to the point of fearing most everyday interactions. In this sense, they may even engage in extreme forms of escape by withdrawing into their homes for months or years.
Social anxiety disorder
Finally, fear of rejection is central in Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD). It is not a personality disorder. It often presents itself in the form of a fear of being criticised for performing in public, such as giving a speech or speaking in an argument. DAS sufferers fear appearing inadequate and therefore liable to criticism and rejection.
Fear of sentimental rejection
A special case is the fear of being rejected by a person for whom we feel attraction and affection. Rejection, in this case, can be particularly painful as it is linked to everyone's idea of themselves.
In addition to a general lowering of mood, sentimental rejection can lead to states of depression, loss of self-esteem and fears about one's future (Perilloux & Buss, 2008). Furthermore, feelings of revenge are not uncommon, which, in extreme cases, can lead to situations of psychological or physical abuse.
According to Keller and Nesse (2005), suffering resulting from sentimental rejection fulfils two adaptive functions. Crying and showing one's sadness serves as a social signal and encourages an empathic process that will prompt friends to support those who have been rejected. In this sense, showing abasement serves to increase social support. Secondly, pain following rejection represents a negative consequence that the person will not want to experience again. This, therefore, serves to remind the person that the strategies used in courtship were not effective and will promote the adoption of new strategies on future occasions.
How to deal with the fear of rejection
Here are some simple tips for coping with (real or feared) rejection from others.
Remember that rejection is a normal part of existence and that there is nothing abnormal about experiencing emotional pain.
Ask yourself whether there are alternative explanations that can justify the distant or frowning attitude of the interlocutor. For example, a work difficulty, tiredness or simply a lack of time for conversation.
Use rejection as a constructive moment to improve yourself or to re-evaluate the situation. What can I improve on to avoid criticism in the future? Is what you said really a rejection?
Remember to address yourself with acceptance and benevolence. Rejection is painful, but it is precisely in the face of it that everyone needs to feel reassured about their own worth. You can try reaching out to a loved one whom you know has esteem and affection for you.
Look at the bigger picture. Often a rejection is confined to a situation, context or comes from a single person and is not intended as an overall judgement of the person.
Do not allow feelings of anger and revenge to take control. It is important not to let anger drive impulsive actions, rather acknowledge the anger and engage in pleasant activities that help to process it.