FREEING YOURSELF FROM GUILT

You may not always be aware of it, as you are so used to living with it, but there are two major “energy drainers” that undermine your peace of mind and psychological well-being:

1. GUILT

2. ANXIOUS CONCERN ABOUT THE FUTURE

Guilt is that unpleasant and painful feeling of unworthiness, shame and regret linked to something you have done or said in the past.

Anxious worry about the future, on the other hand – which should be distinguished from normal planning – is characterised by a constant feeling of unease, apprehension and fear of what might happen to you in the more or less distant future.

What do these two “errors” of judgement have in common?

They both represent a form of discomfort, a cognitive trap linked to something that can no longer be changed (the past) or that does not yet exist (the future), but which in both cases seems so threatening that it absorbs much of your energy in an attempt to change something or predict something else.

GUILT AS A CHOICE?

It may seem rather bizarre to say that one can choose to live with guilt, but in reality it is a very common condition.

First of all, let's distinguish between two forms of guilt:

1. Residual guilt: this is what is instilled in you from childhood and is used by parents, educators, priests and all those who have an influence on educational processes as a tool for submission to the “rules” of society: 'if you do that, you're a bad child', or “you should be ashamed for saying/doing such and such”, or “if you leave home, you'll break my heart” and so on... who has never heard something like this? This form of guilt is subtle but omnipresent and emerges in the numerous self-reproaches you direct at yourself, and every time you apologise too much for making a mistake (you will easily see in this an attempt to exorcise the fear of not being approved).

2. Self-imposed guilt: this is when you feel immobilised in the present by the pain and shame you inflict on yourself as punishment for violating a rule of your moral code (or what you believe to be such). In this case, we are faced with emotions that are much more tormenting than the previous ones. This is the case of guilt as a choice.

In the latter case, guilt is more or less consciously “chosen” as the path of least resistance (to the change that would otherwise be necessary) and adaptation (to the demands/expectations of others):

1) As a form of atonement to relieve yourself of the pain of having violated your moral standards (or what you believe to be your moral standards)

2) To evoke the pity and forgiveness of others (unable to forgive yourself)

3) To earn the approval and protection of others

4) To elicit sympathy and attention

5) To absolve yourself of responsibility for your behaviour (it is the fault of “others” who make you feel guilty...)

6) To avoid engaging in a process of re-evaluating and changing your values and behaviours. In fact, it is less demanding to live in sorrow for what you have done (and which, moreover, can NEVER, and I mean NEVER, be changed) than to roll up your sleeves and grow, understand your mistakes and make sure you don't make them again.

Instead of trying to change the past – which by its very nature cannot be changed – you need to change your attitude towards what makes you feel guilty: very often, these are cultural legacies that you have absorbed more or less passively and “made your own” without thinking too much about them and without asking yourself, over time, whether you still agree with certain moral and behavioural rules.

For example, in Catholic and puritanical societies, certain equations that cause guilt are easily identifiable:

• IF you enjoy yourself, THEN you are a bad and foolish person (and you must feel guilty)

• IF you like sex, THEN you are a woman of easy virtue (and you must feel wrong and therefore guilty)

• IF you are cheerful THEN you are superficial (so you must feel guilty)

• IF you do not feel sad and sorrowful for long enough (and unnecessarily, I might add) THEN you are a bad person (and you must feel guilty about it)

And so on... there could be many examples.