Internal Working Models and Their Powerful Influence on Adult Relationships: A Psychoanalytic Exploration

Our adult relationships are profoundly shaped by internal working models (IWMs)—the unconscious mental frameworks developed in childhood that guide how we see ourselves, others, and relationships. These models, rooted in early attachment experiences, influence whom we choose as partners, how we behave and feel in relationships, and how we interpret our partners’ actions.

While secure IWMs provide a foundation for healthy intimacy, insecure IWMs often underlie difficulties in adult relationships. These insecure models correspond with the well-documented insecure attachment styles—anxious, avoidant, and disorganized—which manifest as distinct patterns of relating, each reflecting particular relational fears and defenses.

Internal Working Models in Insecure Attachment: The Core Patterns

Insecure attachment develops from early experiences of inconsistent, neglectful, or traumatic caregiving. These experiences shape IWMs that contain negative or conflicted beliefs about the self and others, as well as pessimistic expectations about relationships.

Let’s explore how IWMs manifest in each insecure attachment style and affect adult relationships:

1. Anxious Attachment: The Preoccupied Self and the Ambivalent Other

Internal Working Model:

• Self: Inadequate, unworthy, and needy—“I am not enough.”

• Other: Potentially responsive but unpredictable—“Others may care, but I can’t be sure.”

• Relationship: Unstable and emotionally fraught, requiring constant reassurance.

Manifestations in Adult Relationships:

• Hyperactivation of attachment needs: Individuals with anxious IWMs often seek excessive closeness and reassurance to soothe fears of abandonment.

• Emotional hypersensitivity: They may interpret ambiguous partner behaviors as rejection or withdrawal, triggering intense anxiety and emotional distress.

• Fear of abandonment: This can lead to clinginess, jealousy, or preemptive attempts to control the relationship to avoid loss.

• Difficulty regulating emotions: Their IWMs make it hard to manage feelings of insecurity, often leading to emotional outbursts or mood swings.

• Relationship dynamics: Partners may feel overwhelmed or pressured, potentially reinforcing the anxious partner’s fears and insecurity, creating a cycle of tension.

2. Avoidant Attachment: The Dismissive Self and the Distant Other

Internal Working Model:

• Self: Self-reliant, emotionally independent—“I don’t need others.”

• Other: Unavailable, rejecting, or intrusive—“Others cannot be trusted to meet my needs.”

• Relationship: Dangerous or overwhelming, best to be avoided or controlled.

Manifestations in Adult Relationships:

• Deactivation of attachment needs: Individuals with avoidant IWMs suppress or deny their attachment needs to protect themselves from perceived rejection.

• Emotional distancing: They often maintain emotional and physical distance, limiting vulnerability to avoid pain.

• Difficulty with intimacy: While desiring connection on some level, they may sabotage closeness or avoid commitment.

• Idealization of independence: Valuing autonomy, they may minimize the importance of relationships or dismiss their own emotional needs.

• Relationship dynamics: Partners may feel rejected or shut out, leading to frustration and attempts to break through emotional barriers, which the avoidant partner resists.

3. Disorganized Attachment: The Conflicted Self and the Frightening/Frightened Other

Internal Working Model:

• Self: Confused, frightened, and powerless—“I am both worthy and unworthy.”

• Other: Source of both comfort and fear—“Others can hurt me or protect me, unpredictably.”

• Relationship: Chaotic, terrifying, and unsafe.

Manifestations in Adult Relationships:

• Unresolved trauma and fear: Individuals with disorganized IWMs often have histories of abuse or neglect, leading to conflicting desires for closeness and fear of harm.

• Disorganized behaviors: They may exhibit contradictory behaviors—seeking closeness while withdrawing or acting out unpredictably.

• Difficulty trusting: The simultaneous longing for connection and fear of betrayal creates intense internal conflict.

• Emotional dysregulation: These individuals may experience severe mood swings, dissociation, or confusion in relationships.

• Relationship dynamics: Partners may feel caught in a push-pull pattern, unsure how to provide safety or predict responses.

How Insecure IWMs Perpetuate Relationship Difficulties

Because IWMs operate largely outside conscious awareness, these insecure models become self-reinforcing:

• Projection and misinterpretation: Individuals unconsciously project past relational fears onto their partners, interpreting neutral or positive behaviors negatively.

• Repetition compulsion: Adults may unconsciously select partners who confirm their IWMs, even if those relationships are painful or dysfunctional.

• Defensive behaviors: To protect fragile self-models, they may engage in avoidance, control, or emotional outbursts that sabotage intimacy.

• Vulnerability avoidance: Insecure IWMs make genuine vulnerability difficult, limiting authentic connection and perpetuating loneliness.

The Path Toward Change: Therapy and New Relational Experiences

Psychotherapy can play a crucial role in reshaping insecure IWMs by:

• Providing a secure relational experience: The therapist’s consistent empathy, attunement, and reliability create a corrective emotional experience that challenges negative IWMs.

• Increasing awareness: Through exploration of transference and relational patterns, clients gain insight into their unconscious IWMs and how they influence behavior.

• Supporting emotional regulation: Therapy helps clients tolerate vulnerability and manage painful emotions triggered by relational fears.

• Fostering integration: Clients learn to reconcile split or contradictory self and other models, moving toward more cohesive and realistic internal working models.

• Encouraging new relational patterns: With increased security, clients can experiment with healthier ways of relating both inside and outside therapy.

Conclusion: IWMs and the Dance of Adult Relationships

Internal working models are the invisible architects of how we relate to others—especially in close, intimate relationships. Insecure IWMs corresponding with anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment styles create patterned difficulties in love, trust, communication, and emotional connection.

While deeply ingrained, these models are not destiny. Through insight, therapeutic support, and new relational experiences, adults can revise their IWMs—transforming fear and mistrust into safety and connection, and paving the way for more fulfilling, authentic relationships.