A person with a “controlling personality” is driven by high levels of (usually unconscious) anxiety to feel safe.
Though the need for control might be an unconscious feeling, the anxiety can create a strong desire to control surroundings and other people to keep a sense of order.
Controlling personalities are those that need the people around them to behave a certain way. They do not respect the individuality and psychological barriers we all establish because they think there is only one correct way to do things: their way.
We can come across a controlling personality in any sphere, from family to work or relationships.
But do controlling personalities realise that they are such?
Usually because these people need a high level of control, they also need to control their image, and so if on the one hand they eventually recognise that they have a high need for control in certain situations, they will still refuse to be labelled as controlling.
Here are some of the main characteristics of controlling personalities:
1. Need to have the have the last word
It is very difficult to relate to highly controlling men and women because they are used to setting rigid rules and then rigidly and inflexibly enforcing them. They usually act with attitudes that reflect an intent to prove themselves superior to others, and appear determined to prove to everyone that they are the most practical, the most capable, the most logical and intelligent in any group.
2. dichotomous mode of thinking
which tends to reduce everything rigidly to two opposing categories, all or nothing, black or white, good or bad: confronting anything in between these categories causes them discomfort.
These people usually think in terms of "all or nothing," things are good or bad, right or wrong. As a result, they often judge and criticize harshly anything that does not fit their worldview: those who do not think or act as they do are simply wrong.
3. Mental Rigidity
Because of dichotomous thinking, controlling people do not accept that others may have different opinions and ways of doing things. These people have a limited, deeply self-centered perspective that prevents them from seeing situations from a different perspective. It is as if they are always moving around with blinders on, their eyes fixed on one point without taking note of the enormous variety that exists in the world around them.
4. Poor emotional intelligence
Controlling people have not developed their emotional intelligence. As a result, when someone doesn't do things their way, they tend to get annoyed, frustrated, or angry. They often express those emotions without any restraint, recriminating and blaming the other person.
5. Poor perception of control exercised
Perhaps one of the most interesting details of the psychology of the controlling person is that they are usually unaware of how much control they are trying to exert over others.
Why does the controlling personality develop?
Some parenting styles tend to encourage a controlling personality.
At the heart of these possessive relationships between parents and children is a profound lack of harmony.
- The love received in childhood was contingent on achievement. As children, these people were not loved until they met their parents' expectations, a subtle form of control that they continue to practice in their relationships as they grow up.
- Results were more important than effort. They learned to focus on efficiency.
- An insecure attachment , such that the person feels a deep need for attention and affection, but also a deep fear of losing both, so they exercise control as a way to bind that love to themselves.
In a general sense, behind the controlling personality, there is often a fear given by uncertainty.
This person seeks security through the rules and control they try to impose. They do not feel comfortable with changes, on the contrary a situation of uncertainty often generates anxiety. The attempt to control ones’s surroundings gives the illusory sense of having control over their inner world.