Accepting the end of a love affair is never easy and it can happen to get caught up in a relationship that has now ended, thus avoiding the present and the opportunities to get out of this emotional impasse.
There are many reasons why it is difficult to separate from an ex. A lot depends on the intensity of the story experienced but also on those personal fragilities that can prevent you from letting go inside and the need to remain anchored to that idea of a couple. When a story ends, it is easy to save only the good or to fall into idealisation, forgetting the bad parts, the conflicts or the weakening of the feeling, in short, all those elements that led to the end of the relationship.
What are the signs to understand if one is obsessed with the ex?
One must distinguish between a moment of nostalgia and the intrusive thought that risks to pollute the mind . In the former case, the thought of one's ex can coexist with new encounters, allowing one to move on to a new life. In the latter, the thought becomes a block, a brake that can distort one's perceptions of self, other and history.
Are there different degrees of 'osession'?
An obsession is always a problem that invades balance and undermines serenity, but when it gets completely out of control it can become really harmful. It can result in delirium, but also in dysfunctional behaviour such as stalking. In these cases the obsession completely occupies space, generates anger, frustration, can make one misrepresent reality and risk compromising one's psycho-physical balance, as well as heavily invading the life of the object of one's obsession'.
Why should this obsession not be confused with love?
Because love is reciprocity, nourishment, agreement, exchange. If a story is over, there is no point in living it unilaterally. It means that the effort to process a pain - necessary and healthy to move on - has given way to a lazy mode that shelters one from future disappointments, that makes one remain in a comfort zone, albeit one of discomfort, and that makes one redolent in an emotion that lives off the past of memories, instead of renewing and regenerating itself.
So what are the causes that lead to becoming obsessed with the ex?
Sometimes thinking back to the ex is dictated by a personal sense of inadequacy, a negative belief that one is not worthy of love or incapable of love.
Other times it depends on a general sense of distrust towards others, the belief that one cannot let go because others betray, abandon, do not love or, at least, do not do so in the way one needs. Also in this case, the obsession arises from that rare emotional experience in which one had the courage to risk and trust someone, an experience that emotionally one is not willing to let go of.
Still other times, the break-up may have been really traumatic and, therefore, thinking about the ex is associated with obsessively wondering how it could have ended up like that. In short, it is the questions that become obsessive and crippling because you desperately need an explanation or an emotionally acceptable answer.
What role do social media play in hanging onto a past love?
A huge role because they are a constant temptation to go and look at what the ex does, who he or she sees, what places he or she frequents, who he or she spends time with, right down to investigating facial expressions, whether he or she travels more than before, whether he or she does new activities, but also, the count of likes he or she receives, who he or she receives them from, and the change in the number of followers. In short, social media can really amplify obsession and be a tool that does not help one look elsewhere. They increase control mania (such as counting the number and times of access on WhatsApp), distract from analysing what happened, slow down from processing and decentralise from one's own needs.
How does remaining attached to a past history affect the possibility of making new encounters?
Staying anchored to the ex definitely makes it more difficult to open up to new possibilities. It is an unconscious strategy to avoid being hurt again. The ghost of the ex actually becomes a third wheel. The obsession can sometimes also become a black hole by which one lets oneself be swallowed up, building a social withdrawal that fuels frustration and pain.
What are the effects of this obsession?
They can involve real physical symptoms such as anxiety, depression, panic attacks, insomnia, up to developing compulsive behaviour, substance abuse or addictions. These are the consequences that should be most alarming, because they can interfere negatively at work, and even creep into interpersonal relationships and corrode family dynamics. The emotional and psychological effects impact above all on self-esteem: the longer one remains stuck in the obsession, the more negative emotions will take over. Feelings of worthlessness, resentment towards the wellbeing of others, destructive anger, but also passive-aggressive anger, are all examples of when one becomes entangled in the past.
Six practical tips to get rid of ex-obsession and move on
No to social media for a while. It doesn't take long to find yourself compulsively typing on social media in search of some clue, sacrificing entire days of work and compromising your mental health. Getting over it is probably the hardest part, but it is also the necessary step to stop obsessing and start living again.
Eliminate its traces. Having notes, objects, various mementos, photos everywhere certainly cannot help. Better to lock everything in a box and put it away in some hidden corner, unless you have the will, the courage and the need, instead, to throw it all away.
Support from friends. Always seek help from close friends when you feel the pressing need to contact them. It is better to write messages to the friend on duty than to give in to the temptation to contact him/her.
Avoid meeting occasions. It is important not to go to those places where it is possible to meet him. Patience if the circle of friends is there or if that is the coolest place, better to go elsewhere until you are really ready for a close encounter.
Look ahead. Past experience should be a useful trace from which to start again with new awareness in order to avoid the same mistakes. It can be a way to get back into the game by accepting new encounters, but also new challenges with oneself and new goals to give oneself based on what one finally feels one deserves.
Reminding oneself of why it ended. The retelling of past history can really help to find reasons that anger and disappointment prevented one from seeing. It is better to look back at the relationship with the ex with a greater distance to understand the causes of the end, even if we do not like them. Because if the other does not want us, the only effort one should make is to ask oneself what one wants for oneself and from oneself, and from there start again.