Co-dependency is a form of relational dependency.
In the common imagination, when speaking of affective dependency, one usually tends to imagine that form of romantic relationship characterised by a person's acceptance of any behaviour or humiliation acted out by their partner- an acceptance conditioned by the fear of being left behind and the idea of not being able to handle such an eventuality.
There are, however, other forms and nuances of affective dependency, and affective codependency is precisely one of them.
Affective dependency is characterised by the continuous need to maintain relationships of absolute devotion to significant persons and the need to make oneself indispensable to them. Even a small sign of estrangement, on the part of the other, can be considered an alarm bell and an indication of possible abandonment. Becoming indispensable to the other, or dependent on it, seems to be the only way to avert this danger.
Like all other forms of addiction, here too we observe an alteration in the person's behaviour, aimed at the exhausting attempt to keep emotions considered intolerable (sadness, fear, anxiety) under control. If in the case of substance addiction the behaviour in question is drug taking, in affective addiction, the behaviour falls on
romantic fantasies, which help alleviate the fear of loneliness and rejection;
attachment bonding aimed at allaying the conscious or unconscious fear of being abandoned and eliminating loneliness and deficiencies in self-esteem.
Affective dependency does not only concern love relationships, it can also characterise a friendship. The person does not consider himself worthy of love but is extremely in need of it. It is therefore easy to run the risk of an unhealthy relationship in friendship too, in which the search for the other takes the form of seeking confirmation of one's own worth and the filling of one's inner emptiness.
Affective co-dependency: meaning
Co-dependency is a type of dysfunctional relationship that comes to be when a person develops a bond with another person whom they feel and recognise as needing help.
The term codependent was first used in the late 1970s and early 1980s to describe the behaviour of the partners of alcoholics attending self-help groups (Westermeyer, 2005).
It was suggested that the caring behaviour displayed by family members and spouses could actually encourage the subject suffering from addiction to continue using the substance, and therefore family members began to be included in treatment where possible.
The term, which was initially coined with the aim of helping spouses of drug addicts to encourage sobriety and not inadvertently make substance use easy, is now used to describe the very act of compromising one's own needs in order to help a loved one, now seen as symptomatic of a dysfunctional emotional relationship (Westermeyer, 2005).
Codependency: what characteristics?
Whereas in a functional love relationship one desires to be with their partner because of a mutually gratifying love, in co-dependency the person feels a kind of bond because she/he feels that the partner needs them.
The need shown by the partner becomes the bond and the condition for relational stability. The co-dependent person, who fears separation from the partner, perceives security from the other's state of need. The codependent person is conditioned by the belief that as long as the other needs her/him, the relationship cannot end.
The symptoms of affective addiction are very similar to those of other behavioural addictions:
pleasure, derived from the object of addiction;
tolerance: manifested in the constant need to increase the time spent with one's partner while decreasing the time invested for oneself;
withdrawal: very intense negative emotions appear when the partner is physically or emotionally distant;
loss of control: the inability to consciously reflect on one's situation alternates with moments of lucidity in which the person experiences emotions of shame and remorse.
A codependent relationship is characterised by an imbalance of power, with the bond being characterised and mediated by a condition of need.
The codependent person devotes his or her energies to the needy and problematic partner, despite the fact that the latter shows a failure to keep promises and fulfil expectations. It would appear that the codependent person is unable to interrupt his or her pattern of action, continuing not to learn from the attempts already made with the partner and showing readiness to start again and invest in the relationship.
It is possible, for instance, to find this form of relational dependency in couples where one of the partners has substance or alcohol addiction problems, but scientific research is currently conducting in-depth investigations to find evidence that this condition may also characterise other forms of relationships (e.g. couples with partners with other psychological disorders).
Numerous scholars have delved into the topic of dysfunctional relationships and co-dependency to try to highlight common characteristics, with the aim of also deriving valuable information useful for structuring treatment.
It would appear that codependent persons display the following characteristics (Melody et al., 1989):
Low levels of self-esteem
Difficulty in establishing defined boundaries with their partner
Difficulty recognising one's own needs and individuality
Persistence in taking care of others' needs and desires at the expense of one's own
Difficulty in expressing and experiencing reality in a moderate manner
the dramatic triangle
To understand the meaning of co-dependency, it may be useful to describe the so-called 'dramatic triangle' (Karpman, 1968).
In such a triangle, it is possible to recognise the three vertices named respectively: persecutor, saviour and victim.
The relevant characteristic of such a triangle is that there are two partners, but they cyclically alternate the three roles of victim, saviour and persecutor.
In the first phase, the codependent partner assumes the role of saviour, while the 'problematic' partner takes on the victim one.
In a second phase, however, the problematic partner may become persecutor and the codependent partner becomes victim.
In the third phase, however, the role reversal will result in the codependent partner assuming the role of persecutor and the problematic partner the role of victim.
In this type of relationship there is always a giver, i.e. a person who is more co-dependent than the other at any given time, and who is therefore inclined to give everything he or she can to keep the relationship afloat and in balance.
this type of relationship pushes the 'giver' into a vicious circle in which he/she convinces him/herself that he/she is essential to keep the romance intact and sometimes becomes fossilised in the role for the duration of the relationship.
You can think of it as a circle: there is one partner who is in need, and the other one taking action to give them love, and support ( including physical and financial support) at the cost of sacrifices. That period ends and then you start again.
It is not easy to recognise oneself as codependent, not least because it is a very demanding admission to make.
In daily life, these signs and symptoms are reflected in a wide variety of behaviour and attitudes of the affective dependent:
The partner's emotions are more important than one's own;
Self-esteem depends on the other person's approval;
Making a decision becomes difficult and causes strong feelings of guilt;
The fear of being abandoned is so intense that most of the behaviour has the function of avoiding loneliness and rejection;
Recognising and expressing one's thoughts and emotions is difficult or frightening;
The negative consequences of the relationship in all other areas of life are ignored.
How to overcome codependency?
The codependent person fears abandonment- let us not forget that a codependent person often falls into the category of emotional dependency/addiction.
The co-dependent person experiences ambivalent feelings: they nurture the hope that the partner will change thanks to the love and support they offer, but on the other hand - if this were to happen - the risk could be that of the bond being broken, hitherto maintained precisely by the other's condition of need.
Recovery from emotional dependency should not be seen as a goal, rather a process, more or less complex and with a variable duration. The basic prerequisites are:
the recognition of one's addiction
awareness of the consequences that it has produced and may produce in the future;
the will to undertake a process of change.
In a course of psychotherapy, the co-dependent person can allow himself/herself to face his/her past that has contributed to the creation of these patterns and related thoughts, actions and feelings.
Often the codependent person benefits from psychotherapy insofar as it allows to process and accept the experience of emotional deprivation and recognise and deal with one's own inner struggles.