Forms of Manipulation in Relationships

Today, I would like to talk about some of the most common forms of manipulation found in all relationships, whether family, work or friendship, focusing here on the context of romantic relationships.

We will discuss breadcrumbing, ghosting, blackmailing and gaslighting

Breadcrumbing or crumb love

‘Love flees like a shadow, real love pursues it, pursuing those who flee, fleeing those who pursue it’ Shakespeare

‘I met a man, he courted me, we started dating, he gave me attention and then disappeared. Then he reappeared with flowers and a phone call, I don't know what to think.’

This situation, which I often hear about in my patients' stories, is very common in relationships and is called breadcrumbing, a form of manipulation that is very difficult to tolerate in both real and virtual relationships through the use of social networks.

As the name suggests, literally “breadcrumbs”, the manipulator sends small signals to the victim, “crumbs” of closeness, which never develop into anything and do not progress into a relationship. The person gives gifts, messages, dates, shows a desire to be with that person, but nothing concrete is done. This attention, confirmation and reassurance are then alternated with absences and disappearances that knock the victim down, sending the message “I want you and I can have you whenever I want, because you are there waiting for me”. This ambiguous and contradictory behaviour is like crumbs, which are neither too few to satisfy nor enough to make the relationship mature. Therefore, this form of manipulation leaves the victim without tools: on the one hand, expectations are disappointed and remain illusions; on the other hand, there is no possibility of grieving because the separation is never defined. The person remains on the sidelines, without plans for the future but still tied to the relationship because of the ambiguous behaviour.

The most obvious consequences are anger and helplessness, and what is typical is ambivalence: despite the relationship being harmful, the victim does not leave, deluding themselves that the love they imagined will eventually come true. Confusion confuses the victim, who suffers unpleasant situations that are contrasted with pleasant feelings when the other person returns, full of love and attention.

Those who use this technique obviously have issues related to their personality and childhood experiences with attachment figures. The manipulator enjoys a desire to control the victim, subjecting them to their own personal will in order to feed their self-esteem, while the victim remains even more attached, making do with small moments of sharing and putting themselves in a position to accept the abuser when they reappear. Even though they are aware that they cannot live on these crumbs, they are unable to break free.

Is it possible to escape breadcrumbing? Yes! Victims can escape by increasing their awareness of these mechanisms, not allowing themselves to be overwhelmed by the fear of being alone, but highlighting their needs and desires and setting limits to protect themselves.

It is essential to take care of yourself and begin therapy.

Ghosting

‘I don't understand, we were talking until yesterday, then I didn't hear from them.’

The term ghosting refers to the behaviour of someone who, acting like a ghost, tends to end a relationship by cutting off all forms of communication and making themselves unavailable. The relationship is abruptly interrupted without any explanation. The advent of technology has made this phenomenon widespread, making it possible to cut off all contact.

Communication disappears, as if nothing had ever happened, causing discomfort and unease in the person who experiences it; however, this approach keeps the victim even more hooked in their attempt to understand the meaning of such a gesture.

Ghosting hurts people because feeling ignored or avoided can bring out feelings of rejection and abandonment. The victim often feels used as something unimportant and experiences the separation in a painful way. In the absence of an explanation, it is as if the relationship remains suspended, leaving confusion and insecurity.

The impact on self-esteem is devastating; one feels rejected and abandoned, and when a person has already experienced situations of abandonment or loss, being rejected becomes problematic. This behaviour can bring out unresolved struggles and wounds experienced on other occasions.

The victim feels guilty for having done something wrong and their emotional well-being falters.

A person may decide to disappear into thin air for a variety of reasons. Not only because they are not interested in that person, but also because they are afraid of investing in relationships. In fact, it may be the only way that individual knows how to avoid conflict and not have to face the repercussions or consequences of their decision to end a relationship. The person abandons before being abandoned if they feel a strong bond.

In this sense, ghosting can also be a measure of self-protection due to the individual's inability to deal with conflictual situations. Avoiding interpersonal contact with the aim of preventing negative experiences is linked to depressive tendencies.

A person ghosts because they do not want to start a conversation, hoping that by disappearing, the other person will understand and not ask for explanations. I disappear because I think it is less painful for the other person.

For this form of manipulation, too, it is necessary to seek professional help.

Blackmailing

‘If you're not with me this weekend, I'll be upset with you.’

This is a powerful form of manipulation in which someone close to us threatens, directly or indirectly, to punish us if we fail to meet their expectations. Generally, this type of blackmail is carried out by people with whom we have close relationships, people to whom we are attached and who want something from us that does not reflect our needs. The manipulator knows our weaknesses and therefore instils guilt by making the victim feel responsible when they fail to meet expectations. The underlying message is “if you don't give me what I want, I'll make you pay,” so I will punish you by undermining our relationship.

The manipulator enjoys the fear of the other, where the other is afraid of being exposed, rejected and losing power in the relationship.

According to scholar Susan Forward, there are four distinct categories of blackmailers: punitive, self-punitive, victims and seducers.

Punitive blackmailers. “If you take that job, I'm leaving. If you leave me, you'll never see the children again. If you don't agree to work overtime, you can forget about that promotion.” In this case, the manipulator states what they want and the consequences of the victim's actions.

Self-punishing blackmailers. ‘If you don't reschedule that work call, I'll feel so bad without you that I won't be able to work.’ ‘If you don't come with me to the party, I'll hurt myself.’ The manipulator uses subtle blackmail to make the victim feel responsible for their discomfort.

The victims. ‘You always behave badly, I don't know what to do, I do everything for you and you never do anything.’ The manipulator does not make threats but makes it clear that if the victim does not do what they want, they will suffer because of it.

The seducers. ‘Do what you want, love, I support you, but if you go on that holiday with your friends, then we won't be able to afford a holiday ourselves, you don't have enough money, but if you want to go, go ahead, I'll manage.’ The manipulator subtly encourages the victim but makes it clear that if they don't do as he wants, the victim will receive nothing.

The manipulator who blackmails is very good at masking the pressure they exert to get what they want, casting doubt on their perception at the expense of what is happening.

The victim always questions what makes them feel good, as if the needs of others were more important. The victim has no freedom of choice and tends to take on all responsibility in order to avoid conflict. They are able to sacrifice their own well-being in order to satisfy others.

How to get out of it. The first step is to recognise what is happening and realise that you are involved in a relationship based on moral blackmail; the second step is to try to understand the underlying reasons for this behaviour and, finally, it is essential to try to correct the behaviours that make us feel bad. Maintaining a passive but assertive attitude helps to protect ourselves. Without completely denying the manipulator's requests, you should not accept everything that is asked of you, not before analysing the possible consequences. If the victim is assertive, they can express their needs and limits in a clear and respectful manner.

Gaslighting

‘You always get everything wrong, you never do anything right.’

‘How can you not remember that? You told me yourself!’

It is a form of psychological manipulation where the manipulator denies or distorts reality, attacking the victim's self-esteem and confidence, leading them to doubt themselves, their perception of reality and their thoughts. It is an insidious and hidden form of manipulation, characterised by false statements presented as truth, used by the manipulator to make the victim more dependent on them. The manipulator wants to take full control, to subjugate the other person through constant devaluation. They question their honesty, intelligence and morality, striking at the victim's points of reference but at the same time giving positive reinforcement in the form of words of esteem before the victim can walk away. The person may deny that the victim has a bad memory or can daydream. Silence is also a tiring way of showing a lack of recognition.

Several studies show that manipulative personalities are often narcissists, and there are different types:

the “glamorous” type, who controls the victim by flattering them

the “nice guy” type, who tries to maintain a positive image of himself by showing a fake interest in the other person, while actually satisfying his own needs

the “intimidating” type, who appears critical and contemptuous, inducing feelings of despair and helplessness in the victim.

Alongside narcissistic traits, manipulators may also exhibit antisocial behaviour, demonstrating detachment from reality and a lack of empathy.

An example of this type of manipulation in love is betrayal: the partner, involved in an extramarital affair, refers to gender stereotypes to divert attention from what they are doing and to control the other person, leading them to doubt their perceptions. The cycle of psychological violence leads the manipulator to question, and ultimately destroy, their partner's sense of security.

How to escape gaslighting: at first, the victim feels showered with attention and appreciation, but then communication becomes distorted, and the victim is no longer able to understand their abuser, to the extent that conversations are characterised by alternating silences and sharp, destabilising comments. The victim enters a state of resignation and depression, becoming vulnerable and dependent.

There are some warning signs that can help the victim escape this type of relationship, such as when they realise that they always agree with the other person and assume a position of passive resignation.